Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
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To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
My love language is hissing.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”