Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
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[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
DOOO EEEET
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.