[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
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i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Golf would be better with landmines.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time