When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
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*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.