🍛
You Might Also Like
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Seems kinda suspicious
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead