So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
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I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.