New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”