Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
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In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
So true for me
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about