Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
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Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.