@Sirrruh

Ate a whole box of donuts. But I ate them *really* fast so hopefully that counts as a workout and balances out the calories.

@Sirrruh

Bear: *lowers sunglasses. Is it *beary* serious?

Cops:…Ok that’s funny but but you mauled a child so yes. You have to go back to the zoo.

@Sirrruh

So he says, “Argh! Give me yer booties!” & he steals all the baby booties.

There’s an audience for Baby Blackbeard & I’LL FIND IT.

@Sirrruh

My friend Stephen misheard me when I invited him to this CrossFit gym. He’s going to have a hell of a time running in stilettos.

@Sirrruh

Life has taught me if you go to the store for milk and you’re high, you won’t buy milk. You will spend half your rent on hot pockets though.

@Sirrruh

One day my kids will find a “We’re Closed” sign for a grocery store & ask what it is & I’ll sound like the old guy explaining shit in Zelda.

@Sirrruh

I can’t be the only woman who gets creeped out when she realizes her ovaries sniff out and sync up with other ovaries without her permission

@sirrruh

My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.