Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
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toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
set yourself free xox
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.