Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of SketchesbyBoze's best tweets

@SketchesbyBoze : telling people you’re single: • “you’ll find someone” • “have you tried tinder” saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”: • mystical • empowering • sword-in-the-stone vibes

@SketchesbyBoze: C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*

me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*

@SketchesbyBoze: everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.

@SketchesbyBoze: forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.

@SketchesbyBoze: when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.

@SketchesbyBoze: millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.

@SketchesbyBoze: BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.

@SketchesbyBoze: Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown

Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life

Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!

@SketchesbyBoze: the three stages of a woman's life:
- the chosen one
- the mother
- solving crimes in the village

@SketchesbyBoze: VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine