@SkinnerSteven

I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl

@SkinnerSteven

[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”

@SkinnerSteven

My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him

@SkinnerSteven

FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that