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Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Are you ok, human???
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?