Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.