Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
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[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
I am also baked goods
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain