Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
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Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Does beer think about me too?
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.