@SkippyMcGizzard

For once, I’d like to see an action movie where someone yells “WE’VE GOT COMPANY,” and then some nice neighbors come over and they have a lovely dinner party.

@SkippyMcGizzard

My cat is like a jealous lover. She’s like, “Let me smell you first before you touch me. Where have you been?”

@SkippyMcGizzard

*Johnny Lawrence in the bedroom making passionate love to his woman, and sensei breaks down the door*

SWEEP THE LEG!!

Johnny: Can’t you just leave me alone, and what does that even mean right now?!

@SkippyMcGizzard

All I’m saying is that if your name is Shannon, and you name your daughter after yourself, you better name her Shannonagain.

@SkippyMcGizzard

If you break the rules, you can get ejected from a football game. If they make it like an ejection seat, so the player is just yeeted out of the stadium, THEN I’d watch football.

@SkippyMcGizzard

ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*

STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?

ME: deep tissue massage

CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security