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Page of Skoog's best tweets

@Skoog : if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo

@Skoog: [scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]

scooby: RIVORCE???

@Skoog: me: absolute shit technique

murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?

@Skoog: dracula: you gotta stop

me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad

@Skoog: [summoning the devil]

me: come to us!

satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?

mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-

me: mom get out!

satan: susan is that you?

mom: oh my god! satey?

satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?

@Skoog: [devil's first day on the job]

human: so i get anything I want?

devil: yes

human: and all you want is my shoe?

devil: just the bottom part, but yes

@Skoog: [sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]

[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]

me: do ya wanna...?

uber driver: no

@Skoog: relationship tips:

- communicate your feelings
- make her feel pretty
- be spontaneous
- oh god she wants you to kill her ex
- is she still in love with him?
- no she loves you she told you she loves you
- kill her ex
- what the hell she’s gone
- was sara even her real name?

@Skoog: [naming god’s creations]

mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth

insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend

angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant

insect 7: yay!

angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater

mammal 93: ya- wait wut?

@Skoog: her: so we could have sex

me: :(

her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with

me: :)

her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas