@Skoogeth
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
@Skoogeth
@Skoogeth
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
@Skoogeth
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
@Skoogeth
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
@Skoogeth
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
@Skoogeth
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
@Skoogeth
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
@Skoogeth
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
@Skoogeth
[inventing the squirrel]
angel: rodent features and a bushy tail. anything else?
god: make em sneaky poopers
angel: wut?
god: when they poop. make sure like no one ever sees it.
@Skoogeth
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!