[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
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next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.