Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Skullcat's best tweets

@Skullcat : I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I'll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

@Skullcat: Actually, I'd rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I'm going in there, because HELLO PIE.

@Skullcat: Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It's only 3 digits & he said it's only for emergencies, but I know what he meant

@Skullcat: My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes

@Skullcat: What if ants aren't insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?

@Skullcat: I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

@Skullcat: Before this goes any further, it's important that I know your position on foreign films with subtitles.

@Skullcat: When a big account that doesn't follow me stars me suddenly, I crouch down and stay still, hoping it will tiptoe up and eat from my hand.

@Skullcat: My corduroy pillow has been making headlines all week.

@Skullcat: I've done some pretty stupid things while I've been drunk, but in alcohol's defense, I've done a lot of pretty stupid things sober, too.