If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
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If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.