Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
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Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]