all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
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That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?