Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
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today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go