Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
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I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Worth a try
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.