HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
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Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Who chose this font
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.