@SladeWentworth

Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.

Son #2: [in bath] We did.

@SladeWentworth

Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?

Me: It doesn’t matter.

Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?

Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.

@SladeWentworth

Welcome to adulthood.

Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.

@SladeWentworth

Her: Make me a mimosa.

Me: But we’re out of orange juice.

Her: I don’t see the problem.

@SladeWentworth

No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.

@SladeWentworth

Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”

@SladeWentworth

25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”

@SladeWentworth

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, we share it, right?

Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

@SladeWentworth

My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.

@SladeWentworth

Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.