Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
You Might Also Like
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
saw this in a dream
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.