Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
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[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
I feel like one of these would kill a European
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that