Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
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If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
how to exercise your calf muscles
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.