Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
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What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”