*pronounces carrot like tarot*
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Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets