The cashier just checked me out.
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My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Knock Knock
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?