Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
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Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Now this is how you LinkedIn
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN