I saw a picture of myself on a milk carton once but my new family was rich so I kept my mouth shut.
Just listened to a conversation between 3 people under 18 and now I don’t know how my Mom or a stranger didn’t murder me as a teenager.
My wife hates it when I introduce her as my ex-girlfriend.
“Hey look, there’s a deer frolicking in the woods over there!”
Deer: What the hell did you say I was doing?
Confidence should never be confused with arrogance.
Arrogance is spelled way differently.
“So, tell me something no one else knows about you.”
Well, my wife thinks I’m at the movies and you think I’m single.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I didn’t see you first.