It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
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All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Oh we’ve met.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.