What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.
…because I don’t have time to get arrested today.
No c?h?i?l?d? donuts left behind.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.
Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.