@SlipperySecret: Whoever's job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.

@SlipperySecret: Sorry I called you "sexy" and didn't really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.

@SlipperySecret: I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.

@SlipperySecret: I'm going to pretend you didn't say that.

...because I don't have time to get arrested today.

@SlipperySecret: No c̶h̶i̶l̶d̶ donuts left behind.

@SlipperySecret: Now responding to all "hello"
DMs with "Adele?"

@SlipperySecret: Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.

Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay....

@SlipperySecret: April is alcohol awareness month.....I think we're all aware.

Cheers!