Zuckerberg *causally slurping down extension cords like noodles*: Hello fellow human being
Me *floating through the endless void of outer space*: Ugh, I feel crowded
A growing boy needs his lunch, I mumble as I throw another american girl doll into the supermassive black hole that’s slowly devouring my backyard
My cats are building a guillotine in the basement. It doesn’t have to be for me, it could be for anyone *nervously fills their bowls with the good kind of cat food*
Me *dying*: Tell my wife I like like her
*First day undercover as a teen at the local college*
Me: How about them woke baes?
Me: Big mood bruh it’s lit so savage salty.
Them: Are you having a stroke mister?
*In a panic I start to twerk*
Day 1 of lockdown:
This is fine, I don’t need human contact anyway
Day 14 of lockdown:
I’m going to replace my arms with eight tentacles so I can hug more people when this is over
Most of my friends are imaginary but don’t judge because so are you
I try to keep my tweets relatable so I only tweet about everyday stuff like coffee, naps and seducing my own shadow
Me, age 4: When I grow up I wanna be a penguin!
Me, age 28: *still working on becoming a penguin*