I try to keep my tweets relatable so I only tweet about everyday stuff like coffee, naps and seducing my own shadow
Me, age 4: When I grow up I wanna be a penguin!
Me, age 28: *still working on becoming a penguin*
You wake up one day and all the world has turned to Greg. You’re surprised, you did not see this coming. In the kitchen your boyfriend Greg greets you with a cup of greg. Greg, he says with a smile. Greg, you answer, and it just fees right, the gregness of it all.
Therapist: And what do we do when we feel like this?
Me: Summon an elder god to wreak havoc on our enemies!
My murder mystery parties have been getting glowing reviews such as “horrifying”, “is that real blood?”, “oh my God he’s really dead” and “we’re never getting out of here alive”
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
My all-alligator remake of Dirty Dancing has encountered some unexpected problems
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Vampires are just cannibals on a juice cleanse