Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
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My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.