Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
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As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible