Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
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I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”