@SmartassChef

If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.

@SmartassChef

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.

@SmartassChef

If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?

@SmartassChef

Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.

@SmartassChef

Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”

@SmartassChef

Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.

@SmartassChef

Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box