Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
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Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.