*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
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i really liked this one
Probably my best painting.
sin harder.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Genius idea!!
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
2023 was just a warmup