@Smooheed: The neighbor is having an open home

How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?

@Smooheed: Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart

Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck

In their other hand

@Smooheed: Yeah but how many of you can say you've managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano

@Smooheed: Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is

@Smooheed: I'm spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

@Smooheed: *twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

@Smooheed: 12

The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house

@Smooheed: *waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the 'sex with me is like' joke format*

@Smooheed: My ex's were all super hot

I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling