
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
About to start selling my new weight loss program
For only 29.95$ I’ll flirt with you making you so nauseous you’ll never want to eat again
Co-worker: “hey, how’s the diet going”
Me: looks up with mouth full polystyrene beans from the office beanbag