@Smooheed

“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”

I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile

@Smooheed

My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed

@Smooheed

Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life

*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*

@Smooheed

I hear you like horror movies

You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off

*winks forever*

@Smooheed

I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?

@Smooheed

My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window

@Smooheed

I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven

– a memoir

@Smooheed

About to start selling my new weight loss program

For only 29.95$ I’ll flirt with you making you so nauseous you’ll never want to eat again

@Smooheed

Co-worker: “hey, how’s the diet going”

Me: looks up with mouth full polystyrene beans from the office beanbag