@Smooheed: *waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the 'sex with me is like' joke format*
@Smooheed: My ex's were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
@Smooheed: Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
@Smooheed: Fun fact: it's impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you've had a stroke
@Smooheed: "When in doubt, drag it out"
- advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
@Smooheed: Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
@Smooheed: Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
@Smooheed: Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
@Smooheed: Pro tip: if your boss ever asks 'what the fuck is wrong with you?' always start with gynecological problems