@Smooheed
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
@Smooheed
@Smooheed
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
@Smooheed
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
@Smooheed
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
@Smooheed
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
@Smooheed
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
@Smooheed
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
@Smooheed
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
@Smooheed
About to start selling my new weight loss program
For only 29.95$ I’ll flirt with you making you so nauseous you’ll never want to eat again
@Smooheed
Co-worker: “hey, how’s the diet going”
Me: looks up with mouth full polystyrene beans from the office beanbag