@Smooheed

I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

@Smooheed

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

@Smooheed

12

The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house

@Smooheed

*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*

@Smooheed

My ex’s were all super hot

I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling

@Smooheed

Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning

@Smooheed

Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke

@Smooheed

“When in doubt, drag it out”

– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies

@Smooheed

Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*

@Smooheed

Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….