I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of