Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@Smooheed : Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
@Smooheed: Fun fact: it's impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you've had a stroke
@Smooheed: "When in doubt, drag it out"
- advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
@Smooheed: Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
@Smooheed: Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
@Smooheed: Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
@Smooheed: Pro tip: if your boss ever asks 'what the fuck is wrong with you?' always start with gynecological problems
@Smooheed: Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
*steals his car*
@Smooheed: *whips out tampon*
"Now weigh me"
@Smooheed: When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first