Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of Smooheed's best tweets

@Smooheed : Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies

@Smooheed: 3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too

@Smooheed: Me: Sorry can't come over, I'm snowed in
MIL: But it's the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum...
Me: SNOW

@Smooheed: "Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter"

*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*

@Smooheed: How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people

Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off

@Smooheed: I'm not saying you've had too much Botox, it's just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders

@Smooheed: Poop your pants one time and suddenly you're banned from the MacDonalds ball pit

@Smooheed: *signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*

*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*

*gets attacked by moth*

*falls off chair*

@Smooheed: Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards