@Smooheed

Sometimes words are just not enough

And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower

@Smooheed

Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states

Him: yeah?

*steals his car*

@Smooheed

When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first

@Smooheed

Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies

@Smooheed

3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too

@Smooheed

Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW

@Smooheed

“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”

*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*

@Smooheed

How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people

Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off

@Smooheed

I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders