Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of Smooheed's best tweets

@Smooheed : Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze

Me: please put your pants back on

@Smooheed: I just ruined my 5 year olds' entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting

@Smooheed: I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra

Cute

*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*

@Smooheed: Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I've been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds

@Smooheed: "Don't worry my love, I'll breathe for the both of us" I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle

@Smooheed: A friend described me as a 'no maintenance' type

And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended

@Smooheed: When anyone says they've embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think 'that kind of limit sounds nice'

@Smooheed: All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper 'I'll do your housework'

@Smooheed: *puts on sexy underwear and high heels*

*grabs whip*

*flicks whip*

*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*

@Smooheed: *walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*

"Hold it right there baby, Mommy's just taking a quick picture"