@Smooheed: I just ruined my 5 year olds' entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
@Smooheed: I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
@Smooheed: Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I've been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
@Smooheed: "Don't worry my love, I'll breathe for the both of us" I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
@Smooheed: A friend described me as a 'no maintenance' type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
@Smooheed: When anyone says they've embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think 'that kind of limit sounds nice'
@Smooheed: All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
And whisper 'I'll do your housework'
@Smooheed: *puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
@Smooheed: *walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
"Hold it right there baby, Mommy's just taking a quick picture"