Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Follow us on Instagram. That's it, don't make us say cringy things like YouTubers say at the end of their videos. Click here to follow us

Page of Smug_Lemur's best tweets

@Smug_Lemur : What's it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.

@Smug_Lemur: My daughter asked me what it's like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.

@Smug_Lemur: Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn't appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.

@Smug_Lemur: Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it's a tie
b.) you're an idiot

@Smug_Lemur: Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol

@Smug_Lemur: [God creating the octopus]

Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.

@Smug_Lemur: Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT

@Smug_Lemur: A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I'm going to have to live here now. Goodnight.

@Smug_Lemur: *at psychic reading*

Psychic: you probably think you're wasting your time

Me: Ooh you're good

@Smug_Lemur: *at interview*

Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I'm also good at directions