@Smug_Lemur

What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.

@Smug_Lemur

My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.

@Smug_Lemur

Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.

@Smug_Lemur

Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot

@Smug_Lemur

Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol

@Smug_Lemur

[God creating the octopus]

Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.

@Smug_Lemur

Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT

@Smug_Lemur

A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.

@Smug_Lemur

*at psychic reading*

Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time

Me: Ooh you’re good

@Smug_Lemur

*at interview*

Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions