@Smug_Lemur

It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.

@Smug_Lemur

Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.

@Smug_Lemur

God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.

@Smug_Lemur

Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.

@Smug_Lemur

Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.

@Smug_Lemur

Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.

@Smug_Lemur

Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”

@Smug_Lemur

The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.

@Smug_Lemur

Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.

@Smug_Lemur

“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.